Venting and Analyzing

This post is probably mostly going to be a vent. Sorry.
Lately I have been having mood swings from excited and loving life to wanting to scream, cry and die.
Part of my moodiness probably has a lot to do with the events I've been attending. I went to an anime convention with a few friends and was excited for that and did have a good time, but there were some complications as well. Some from my stupid tics and some were from unpleasant in counters with friends and fellow con-attendees.
I have three new tics (been having them a while) one is a high pitched squeaking noise. Another I raise my hand like I'm in class. And last the F word, (this doesn't happen often, just like the S word, but it does happen and is always followed with a 'sorry'. It's almost like its part of the tic.
I am attending a Tourette's get together in a few weeks and am very excited. When I'm agitated in any way my tics become more... enthusiastic! My therapist asked me to try something where I don't talk for a little while; to see if my vocal tics would at least calm down. Just as an experiment. I didn't try it yet, mostly because of my history with mutism. Silence is addicting and I don't want to slip back into my silent world.

I have been doing a little research for what my nameless disorder could be. I'm not sure if I mentioned before, but I have 3+ "possible diagnosis"
1) Tourette's Syndrome
2) Conversion Disorder
3) A Tic Disorder
4) Some Movement Disorder
I doubt it's a tic disorder as my Symptoms are Motor and Vocal and have been present for almost nearly two years
I also doubt it's a movement disorder purely because I have vocal tics also. And they are strong/loud/persistent and hard to ignore.
It can possibly be Conversion Disorder as the tics did appear during a traumatic and stressful point in my life, and I fit most of the signs and symptoms.
It has the possibility of being TS also though because the symptoms began before I turned 18, I had simple head, eye and arm tics and followed by simple vocal tics shortly after. Common signs. I also have OCD symptoms. Things must face a certain way (ie. the toothbrush and toothpaste must face forward and be located on the left side of the sink. Every time I pass the tree in front of my house I must knock on the branch seven times. If I make a mistake when I type or write a word, I have to erase the whole word then rewrite it.) things like that. And I MUST avoid the number nine at all costs. I don't even like wring that word here. It's stressful. I must do things in sevens. I must do things in sevens. I must do things in sevens. I must do things in sevens. I must do things in sevens. I must do things in sevens. I must do things in sevens. It lowers my stress levels enough to move on and distract myself.
Anyway, this is long enough and it's late. I need to get some sleep. I just felt the need so vent and analyze the information. If you're reading this and have any feedback at all, please feel free to comment. I don't bite!!! :)
Talk to you later!

How Mary Came To Be

When I try to picture my tics, I always tend to picture a fight. I picture a duplex in my headache where me and another person live and each of us are fighting to be the landlord. I named the other person Mary. (My first vocal tic was shouting out, "BAH!", and I always made a comment of 'Mary had a little lamb' or 'Bah bah black sheep')
Each of us wants to have control over my movements and vocalizations and thoughts. It's a tiring war and unfortunately sometimes Mary wins a battle. I give up and tic like crazy, I don't leave the apartment that day, for fear of being stared at, judged and mocked. I'll cry and ask, 'why me?'.
I however refuse to let her win the war. I have strong, brave days where I go out to dinner. I'll see a movie in the theater. I'll go to a museum and have a good time. I haven't been kicked out of a place so far *knock on wood*.
My newest tic is the F word. Though it hasn't happened often, when it does it is loud and clear. The first time it happened it was a full sentience (shut up f-ck face!) no one was in the room with me (thank god) but it scared me a bit. It happened once after that a few days later. My father was on the phone and I was drawing. I just yelled 'f-ck F-CK!'. It was a family friend on the other end and I heard laughing. I smiled shyly but was embarrassed. I wanted to cry.
Mary won that one, but I refuse to stop fighting till the day I meet my maker! I will win.
:)

Up To This Point (my tic history)

Hey guys,
I have never blogged before so bear with me. :)

My tics started in high school. Somewhere between Sophomore and Junior year. It was different in some ways than stereotypical first tics of Tourette Syndrome. I started shrugging and jerking my arms every which way. As time went on I graduated to kicking and stomping my feet along with clapping my hands. It was worse in the car. By the time I graduated from high school I began my first vocal tic. 

"BAH!" I also began tapping things. I just HAD to touch certain things, and I had to touch them a certain way. Seven times.
By this point my father (I only live with my dad) was very understanding. He never scolded me. Though, I think he might have thought about it when I first yelled, but saw right there that I hadn't meant to do it. Instead he gave me a hug. I'm lucky to have such an understanding father.
That following summer my tics flourished. I began rolling my eyes, sniffing, gasping and frowning exaggeratedly. I also turn my head or shake it as if I'm saying 'no'. I added new sounds and words to my Tic Vocabulary. 
* Bah
* Bwah
* Chop
* Shop
* Drop
* Sss
*Shh
And within the last two months:
* Shut Up 
and *The S word had gotten added to that list. -_-#

Most of my friends are tolerant. Some aren't, but that just shows they aren't true friends.
Well, I just wanted to tell my history first so if you are reading this and I make a reference to a past event or tic, you would understand it.
Thanks! Bye!
PS I had not yet been diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome nor any tic disorder. I am waiting for an appointment with a neurologist. ;-)