When I try to picture my tics, I always tend to picture a fight. I picture a duplex in my headache where me and another person live and each of us are fighting to be the landlord. I named the other person Mary. (My first vocal tic was shouting out, "BAH!", and I always made a comment of 'Mary had a little lamb' or 'Bah bah black sheep')
Each of us wants to have control over my movements and vocalizations and thoughts. It's a tiring war and unfortunately sometimes Mary wins a battle. I give up and tic like crazy, I don't leave the apartment that day, for fear of being stared at, judged and mocked. I'll cry and ask, 'why me?'.
I however refuse to let her win the war. I have strong, brave days where I go out to dinner. I'll see a movie in the theater. I'll go to a museum and have a good time. I haven't been kicked out of a place so far *knock on wood*.
My newest tic is the F word. Though it hasn't happened often, when it does it is loud and clear. The first time it happened it was a full sentience (shut up f-ck face!) no one was in the room with me (thank god) but it scared me a bit. It happened once after that a few days later. My father was on the phone and I was drawing. I just yelled 'f-ck F-CK!'. It was a family friend on the other end and I heard laughing. I smiled shyly but was embarrassed. I wanted to cry.
Mary won that one, but I refuse to stop fighting till the day I meet my maker! I will win.
:)
No comments:
Post a Comment